Grandpa

I woke up today, just before my alarm… a challenging situation with one of my children on my heart.  I pushed snooze and took in a deep breath… silently pleading for answers as I rolled over… not wanting to leave the warm comforter.    It was then I saw you… in my mind, behind my … Continue reading Grandpa

Identify Me

I don't measure up.                                         I don't fit in. I'm too much.                                                   … Continue reading Identify Me

What I wish people understood: This is not something I’ll just get over

I lived with these people in my life for over 20 years.  One of them was a stabilizing presence my whole life... until now.  I won’t get over their deaths in a matter of months, probably not even in a matter of years.  I don’t know that I even want to get over loosing them. I … Continue reading What I wish people understood: This is not something I’ll just get over

What I wish people understood: Death of Them = Death of Me

I'm new to grieving.  And I've never lost these people before. It's been a year, but I still feel like I'm standing inside a snow glob watching you all carrying on in life like nothing happened.  Trapped in a reality that stood still the minute they died. I'm learning how to live this life from … Continue reading What I wish people understood: Death of Them = Death of Me

Pain: Nemesis or Mentor? Pt. 3

"Lean into the pain..." I hear it... whispers... echoes of a voice I trust. lean into the pain... pain is the intersection where life and death meet, and we get to choose which road we will travel.  What will we let die and what will we nurture to life when we experience pain? Pain is … Continue reading Pain: Nemesis or Mentor? Pt. 3

Pain; Nemesis or Mentor? pt. 2

Going into my 4th pregnancy, the words of my last delivery nurse rang through my head. I had labored with and delivered my 3rd baby in under 2 hours without an epidural, and the sense of accomplishment and power that fete gave me was a high I still felt.  I was determined to repeat that … Continue reading Pain; Nemesis or Mentor? pt. 2

Pain; Nemesis or Mentor? pt. 1

I've been hearing it a lot these days. lean into the pain...  I've had a lot of experience with pain... for the most part, I'd rather avoid it. From the moment labor started with my first baby, I knew I was in trouble.  The pain was out of this world. I needed to vomit, but … Continue reading Pain; Nemesis or Mentor? pt. 1