Trusting

You took so long, patiently and painstakingly, to build my trust in You.  Over the years, from my earliest childhood days until now, You’ve never once asked me to prove myself or to earn anything from You. 

Instead, You have stood still as I’ve inched closer… drawn in by the zingy sent of salt… curious… wondering… even… desperate… 

Like a doe at the edge of the woods, I have watched You as You stood in the clearing.  So many before me have ventured out to You… You haven’t wavered in what You’ve offered. 

Even as hunters have taken shots at the vulnerably exposed places, and wounds have ripped open… even as some have died… You have never wavered in Your stature, Your patience, Your offering.

Not one shot has come from You.

And You haven’t been afraid to take the blame.  To stoop down to grass roots and confine Yourself to what a simple doe can comprehend… to apologize… to humble Yourself at this level…

You have taken on the pain, as if You Yourself were shot at… as if You Yourself had pulled the trigger and fired… You’ve remorsed with me… me… a nobody… a skittish little doe hiding in at the edge of the woods, in the shadows…

And I take a nervous step toward You… You hold your breath in anticipation… I can see You holding your breath… as if breathing might shatter the mist of a moment and send me fleeing back to the only safety I’ve ever known…

And I take another step… shaking…

Some of my own have died in this journey… have laid at Your feet bleeding… fading…

You stay so still, so patient… knowing my heart is at steak… knowing my trust is thread thin and that anything could break it right now. 

I have watched You gather the wounded and dying… I have watched You breathe life back into some, and lay others back down… You, in Your perfect power and ability… choosing not to revive… not to restore…

And I take You in.  Size You up in my pathetically small vision… I don’t understand You. 

You are not safe.  You are not the least bit safe… why would I leave the safety of shadows to burn in the glare of this unsafe, unsure clearing?

But in Your bated breath, there in Your eyes, I see that my approach is to You like a prize of the highest price… You are longing for my nearness.

Another step… sweat now dripping off my brow… tears… so many tears… the open spaces are so hot… so dangerous… my eyes sting and I feel heavy… I loose sight of You…

And then… a coolness, like the shadows I just came out of…

I’m frozen.  Fear grips my heart so tight I think it might not be beating anymore…

You have risen, Your full hight, blocking the sun… covering my exposure. 

I’m so unsure of You!  Will You strike me?  Will You chase me? But I cannot move a muscle… as warmth oozes out of my side…

I am bleeding.  Shot.  Pierced through… and I can feel life draining out of me…

Where were You?  Where are You?  I am slowly bleeding to death… I cannot find You!

Like the others before me, will You leave me be?  Let my life drift away as You attend to others?  I dared to venture near You… and this… is this the result…?

Strong hands, warm power… My eyes are covered… Your hand has covered my eyes.  I can’t see past my own eye lids now… Strength fills places inside me… not my muscles… not my legs… not the parts that are powerful or useful… no…

My heart is breaking… and strengthening in sorrow… I can’t see… but my eyes are full of sorrow… and the warm power grows… Your hand… You move Your hand and my gut wrenches… strengthened in pain… agonizing pain… I cannot think, just hurt… so deeply I ache. 

What are You doing to me! I thought I was a prize You sought after… are You gutting me alive?  Is it just my hide you’re after?  My head on Your wall?  Another token life won out of the darkness of deep? 

And… then… in my misery… I feel Your heartbeat… I hear Your heartbeat… I feel Your breath on my cheek… In my utter despair… in my twisted agony… You have leaned in…

As I lay helpless… unable to help myself… unable to reach up and pull down the gauze  of praise or the ointment of joy… or anything other than the pain that has engulfed me… You lean in… Your whisper is all I need…

Thank you, little one, for trusting Me

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