I remember when your miracle came to life, when we all celebrated God’s faithfulness and power. I sat in the audience watching, as you prayed for their miracle, and God moved through you. I was so full of faith, and with you, I was passionate about everyone experiencing what we shared together – God of miracles, meeting our requests with His resounding YES & AMEN.
… and now, I see the confusion in your eyes… your hurt… your quick defense… trying to make sense of my current state… longing to restore what we once shared… drawing lines in the sand to protect your heart…
I know your intentions are good. I know your heart is still full of passion and joy, still glowing in the wake of miracles, healing and profound power of God moving among us.
How do I explain this to you… you, who’s life is currently YES & AMEN… you, whose love tank is full of God’s faithfulness, your trust in His goodness unbroken, unflinching in storms…
How do I explain the depth of confusion I am now engulfed in, as I struggle to digest God’s recently resounding, NOT THIS TIME… an answer that took the lives of people very dear to me… an answer that has cut deeply… broken my trust…
Oh how can I get you to understand… without offending you or hurting you?
What hurts worse than being denied my miracle, and loosing these precious lives, are your well-intended comments about faith. Your waxing long and pontificating on your versions of belief, faith, trust… based on your experiences… Your rich faith, your resolute trust… your words designed to comfort, exhort, teach me…
They are like daggers driving home the reality that God didn’t pick me this time… your words don’t help my wound… or my faith… they cut deeper at it, dredge up even more questions…
Listen, please, really stop and hear me out.
God broke trust with me. He was faithful with you, and I have memories of His faithfulness with me in the past… however, He broke trust with me now.
I am hanging on by a thread… which translates as every ounce of faith I have left being poured out through doubts, questions, confusion… raw, vulnerable transparency with the One who didn’t come when I needed Him most.
If you’re really listening, you’ll recognize this: My unwavering belief that if God broke trust, He is the only one who can fix it. Hear my shred of hope – God can fix this.
Your passion doesn’t cut it. Your conviction, your convincing views and opinions, not even your profound experiences… they don’t touch something God has done, and only God can explain.
And hear me out, God isn’t afraid of breaking my trust. He’s not offended by my confusion or lack of faith, by my questioning or doubting… He’s not driven away by my wounded moodiness, or contempt for His methods. Please, kindly remember, you don’t have to protect anything. This is a process you can’t understand unless you’re in it yourself – and you aren’t.
I don’t know if I’ll ever return to the same passionate self I was, or if I’ll ever share the same exuberance over these things with you again. Some things that are broken never return to their former state… instead, they are transformed into something completely new.
Please, have patience with me, the kind that is slow to judge, and slow to speak. Please, kindly remember that I don’t need to be convinced or won over, I don’t need to be fixed – I’ve been were you are, shoulder to shoulder with you. Where your path stayed the course, mine was broken to pieces. Have patience with me, while I clamber over shards and scuttle down shattered fragments.
I’m counting on God to make all things new. That’s all I’ve got right now.