What I wish people understood: This is not something I’ll just get over

I lived with these people in my life for over 20 years.  One of them was a stabilizing presence my whole life… until now.  I won’t get over their deaths in a matter of months, probably not even in a matter of years. 

I don’t know that I even want to get over loosing them.

I may start to seem more normal, more what you are used to, but I am not over it. 

Don’t be fooled by my calm demeanor, or my lack of mentioning them.  Don’t be tricked by my ability to laugh or express joy,  by my serene approach to setbacks or scuffles.  Loosing people so close to me has sharpened my sense of what’s truly important, and how much every moment is worth celebrating, even the bad ones.

When I suddenly revert back to the state I was in initially, please remember, I understand you don’t like it when I act in a way that makes you uncomfortable or throws you off your guard, when I cant stop talking about something, or wont talk, when I am rude, offensive or tragically blunt;  but I can’t help it.  I can’t just “get over” this and be the normal you know.   

Memories, feelings, events, dreams, hopes… all of these things radically altered.  Some simply ceased to be relevant, when moments before they were consuming. All of them come flooding back irrationally at any given moment without rhyme or reason.  And most of them are precious to me… so much so, that even in the pain I want to linger

I hear you when you say you’ve also experienced loss, or you know of someone who’s lost a loved one, and that life moves on and therefore so should I.  I understand you were able to get past these hurtles and deal with your pain.  And even if in your mind, you think you understand, please, kindly remember, you haven’t walked in my shoes. 

It may be easy for you to get over the loss you’ve experienced.  But, I haven’t yet decided if I want to get over mine.

More than exhortations to heal and move forward, what I really need is acceptance, patience and a whole heap of mercy.  I’m living life one day at a time, most of them hanging by a thread… and I’m just fine with that.

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