I’m new to grieving. And I’ve never lost these people before.
It’s been a year, but I still feel like I’m standing inside a snow glob watching you all carrying on in life like nothing happened. Trapped in a reality that stood still the minute they died.
I’m learning how to live this life from a brand new beginning – beginning with the end of their presence in my world.
I’m not the same person I was, and I will never be that person again.
In fact, I change daily, weekly and monthly as I learn how to live with substantial loss. Most mornings now I wake up wondering if I’ll recognize myself today. There are patches of weeks and months where I loose it big time when I see the UPS truck, or battle bouts of irrational fear. And days where nothing is wrong and everything is good, and none of it feels right. And worst of all, I don’t know why.
Don’t worry if you feel like you don’t recognize me. You are not alone. But, please, stop waiting for the “good-old-me” to come bouncing back one of these days. The me you and I both knew, died a year ago. This new me is here to stay… as unreassuring as that is.
If you feel like I’m suddenly a stranger, acting irrationally, withdrawing, or pushing you away, or if you hear me say something off kilter, or rude or hurtful, please kindly remember, I’m new to this self and I do not know how to be new, gracefully, at age 39.
A little insight I can offer is that I am in a lot of pain. Even still… a year later. Even when you see me smiling, and everything seems fine, I’m trapped inside this snow globe watching you go on with life, leaving me behind.
Not because you mean to, or want to, or intend to. Simply because your life wasn’t changed like mine. And honestly, I wonder if I want to move forward with you, leaving them forever behind. That’s an overwhelming thought, in a new self, in a new reality. The sorrow and sadness of knowing who has to stay in the past is a pain I hope you never have to feel.
So when you see me as a stranger, please, kindly remember, I am.